


five seconds

by literato



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Avengers: Endgame Compliant, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Established Relationship, Growing Old Together, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Peggy Carter/Steve Rogers - Freeform, M/M, SPOILERS !!!!!, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Tears, Time Travel, breaking up, but really??, sort kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 08:49:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18617245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literato/pseuds/literato
Summary: "I know that you saw her." Bucky continues, "You have the chance to stay. Take it."Steve pulls away so abruptly, stepping back and putting distance between them. So opposed to what he wanted earlier, "What, you're asking me to leave you?"orwhere Steve just got Bucky back, but Bucky is too willing to let him go.(not a Fix-It, but a happier ending nonetheless.)





	five seconds

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place after tony's funeral and before cap goes back in time to return the stones.
> 
> and man, after I watched that scene between steve and bucky my heart felt so full at their exchange. 
> 
> and this is the result of the pain I've acquired as well. I love peggy, but let us mourn for the stucky shippers out there lmao. (that's me, stucky stan right here.)
> 
> hope u enjoy it !!
> 
> EDIT (April 29,2019): i got heartbroken again and added a little something.

 

_"If the end of the world is near, where would you choose to be?"_

 

It's hours after Tony's funeral, and everyone's still settling in, still overwhelmed and shocked about everything that's happened in the midst of this eventual peace. Everyone has parted and went off with their family, finally really there at the hold of their arms.

And for Steve, Bucky's standing by the window of the cabin, the reflection of the moon making him a silhouette. He's dressed in some sweatpants and a shirt, gone was the suit he wore earlier. He wasn't speaking yet, neither of them are. Not yet certain how to break the ice or… how to start over. Steve sits on the edge of the bed, toeing off his shoes and placing them neatly by the wall. He shrugs off his coat, and hangs it. Their bedroom is quiet, save for the occasional voice of nature sneaking in through the window. Steve undresses. He's used to sleeping in just his boxers, but he doesn't know if it's appropriate now, so he sticks to sweatpants and a tanktop. He dresses slowly, and half of him hopes he has the right words on his tongue, but they don't come.

Steve goes around the bed, just behind Bucky, and sits, hands clasped between his parted legs. He makes sure his voice is clear when he speaks, "I'm glad you're back."

Bucky finally gives movement, looking down for a moment, taking a deep breath before he glances over his shoulder and at Steve to offer a smile, "Thanks, punk." He turns back to the window, and this time he sits on the window sill, body partly turned towards Steve, "It's been a while."

Steve nods, "Five years." Five years without him, and it has been absolute torture. Looking at him now feels like someone just pulled Steve from an endless state of nothingness.

It's silent for a few moments again, and Steve looks at him. Bucky's looking out the window, where the vast of the forest is seen. They're staying in Tony and Pepper's cabin for the night, even when Pepper insists that he's not being invasive. She insisted Bucky to come along, too, even though Bucky was already awkwardly hovering behind Sam as the latter said his temporary goodbyes. Steve took his hand before he could protest. Besides, he has a mission tomorrow.

"I saw you." Bucky says, arms folded and still leaning on the window sill.

Steve looks at him curiously.

"I didn't know how-- how the stone or whatever-- I didn't know how it worked, but I saw you." Bucky continues, and he gulps, "It's like I was back in cryo."

Steve patiently waits, but he wants nothing else but to hold him, touch him.

"Surprisingly, you kept your stupid shit to yourself these past five years." There's light amusement in his voice, and Steve looks up to see him smiling to himself. He still isn't looking back but it's okay. It's his first smile since he got back. And it's because Steve remained to be safe and not be a dumbass this whole time when he isn't around.

"I did." Steve agrees, "Until we figured out a way to get you all back, of course."

The smile slips off his face, and he nods, "Yeah." He looks at Steve, "I saw that, too." He shifts his position from the window sill, bringing both feet flat on the ground and turns to face Steve fully, leaning back on his hands, "You'll go tomorrow, won't you?"

Steve nods, "I won't take long." He promises, with all his heart, "It's just to return the stones." And at the back of his mind, he ignores the temptation. Of what? Of straying from his mission?

"It doesn't have to be just that." Bucky says, as if reading his own mind.

Steve gulps, "What do you mean?" His throat feels dry all of a sudden.

Bucky can see it in his face. His expression is so carefully blank. "Buck?" Steve stands, about to remove the distance between them because he's fucking itching to touch him.

"You deserve to go back." Bucky says, and it's like someone dumped cold water on Steve, and he's unable to move.

"To go back." Steve repeats, "To go back and what?" He knows the answer.

Bucky doesn't confirm it, because he knows that Steve knows, "You deserve it, Steve." Bucky wants to imply something. And irritation is crawling up in Steve's veins. Deserve to what? To go back? And stay there? Leave Bucky?

"I know that you saw her." Bucky continues, "You have the chance to stay. Take it."

Steve pulls away so abruptly, stepping back and putting distance between them. So opposed to what he wanted earlier, "What, you're asking me to leave you?"

"I talked to Bruce, how the machine works." Bucky says, and he has the audacity to add, "I'm pretty sure five seconds isn't too long--"

"You know what I meant!" Steve explodes, and curses at himself because there's a kid--  _Tony and Pepper's kid_ \-- downstairs, and that he's not in the comfort of his own home. Well, he is; Bucky's just standing there, but that's not how it feels at the moment.

Silence falls between them again, but now it's accompanied with Steve's heavy breathing and the weakening of the string pulling them together. He stops pacing, leaning his hands against the dresser, nails digging on the wood. He feels it splintering and he forces himself to stop.

He takes deep breaths, and he almost refuses to ask, "Why are you doing this?", because he's afraid of the answer. He does it, anyway.

Bucky's voice is starting to rise, but it's still as calm and composed, "How long have you been happy, Steve? Since you came out of the ice?"

Steve's answer is immediate, and so sure, "Since I found you."  _And then when I truly had you, in every way that I do._

Bucky must have known that would be Steve's answer.  _Good_ , Steve thinks, but it doesn't shut him up, "And how long would that last?"

Steve doesn't answer him. He convinces himself it's because Bucky won't ever give up on something that his mind is set on. And this is what he's determined to do. To let Steve go.

But he can't shrug off the thought of the possibilities swarming his head. He saw Peggy. He saw her faintly through the blinds of her office, but clearly through his eyes, and he couldn't stop thinking about it.

But that's not important anymore. He made a choice years, decades ago, and he's making his choice now.

"You can't speak for me." Steve says. He's still not looking at Bucky.

"I'm not." Bucky denies gently. And Steve can almost hear the next words; _You are_ , "I know what you did when you landed that plane, Steve. You didn't have a choice. But tomorrow you're gonna return the stones, and you have the freedom to take a little detour."

Steve turns to him, "You think this is funny?" Bucky is closer than what Steve thought. He's at arms length.

"No." Bucky shakes his head. Under the dim light, Steve can see his eyes brimming with tears, "I just think that that can be the best thing that's ever gonna happen to you."

Steve can't shake it off anymore. He grabs him and pulls him in, arms around his shoulders and holding on so so, tightly. He digs his face into Bucky's hair. a quiet sob escaping him. The hug doesn't last long, because he's pulling back and kissing him deeply, hands cupped around Bucky's jaw. His tears collide with Bucky's and the kiss turns salty and wet but Steve can't pull away.

When they do, it's Bucky who initiates it. Steve doesn't let him go that far, resting his forehead against Bucky's and fisting his shirt. He closes his eyes, more tears slipping down, "I just got you back."

"I know." Bucky says comfortingly, "Me, too," But he sniffles, _I just got you back, too,_  "But it haunted you for so long, and I never wanted that, Stevie."

Steve hugs him again, and he doesn't let go this time, "I love you."

He can feel Bucky's wet lips press just behind his ear, a silent response.

 

_\-----_

 

_"I had all and then most of you  
Some and now none of you." _

 

Bucky sits on a tree stump by the lake. It's almost three a.m and he and Steve have gone to bed hours ago. Sleeping isn't an option for him tonight. Besides, he just woke up from a five-year sleep. Steve deserves all the sleep in the world after all that he's done; he doesn't need an unfamiliar slump hogging up all the space.

Bucky takes a deep breath, running a hand on his face. He really should stop with this self-destructing shit. 

He has his phone in his hand, and he hesitates, but eventually the phone call connects with Sam. 

Sam is groggy and fresh from sleep when he answers, "Hello?" 

"You've been sleeping for five years yet you're still slacking off." Bucky lightly teases. 

Sam groans as he recognizes the voice, "You're actually awake? Where's Steve when I need you gone?" 

Bucky's smile drops off his face. 

Sam senses it immediately, "Man, hey. What's wrong? You didn't actually think I meant that, did you? Well, you're an idiot."

Bucky doesn't even hear him, "He's leaving tomorrow." 

He hears a brief ruffle of sheets before, "Yeah, to return the stones. He talked to me about it." 

Bucky looks back at the cabin, in case that blond dumbass decided to sneak up on him, "And you never thought that maybe he'd want to be with the love of his life again?" 

Sam pauses, and then slowly drawls out, "But that's you...?" 

Bucky's heart stops. He doesn't find his voice for a moment, but he eventually says, "No, pal."  _I was. Once._

"It's three in the morning, man; you gotta clear shit up because you sound terribly calm when you just denied that Steve loves you." 

"When Steve died and fell into the ice, he had someone waiting for him and it wasn't me." Bucky clenches and unclenches his metal hand, watching the plates shift and reflect the moonlight, "I can't let her wait a second longer." 

"Is this about...?"

Bucky releases a shaky breath, looking up at the dark sky, "He's wanted this for so long, Sam. Even after he found me." 

"Man, you can't just--" Sam sighs, "Steve has sacrificed his life for you, in every chance that he could get. Give him some credit, Barnes." 

"Yeah, well I need to pay him back." 

"Is this really what it's about? You love him, he loves you. That matters, but now you're shrugging it off like it's nothing--" 

"--Maybe it doesn't matter." Bucky cuts him off. There are tears stinging his eyes but he holds him back. It won't do any good, "Because I was there, we were there, in the middle of a goddamn war, and Steve never looked away from her, and neither did she. I was stood _right there_ between them." It's getting harder to breath, and he remembers everything, "And you're right, I'm shrugging it off like it's nothing because I  _need_ it to be nothing. Especially at this second, because if it's not, I wouldn't be able to let him go." 

Bucky accidentally lets out a sniffle and he covers his mouth with his hand, bites down at the metal. He crushes the phone with his hand and lets it drop to the ground. He tries to control his breathing, gripping his hair and double over to rest his head on his knees. All that comes out are strangled, wrecked sobs and the occasional whisper of Steve's name.

 

\---------

 

  
_"On our last few drags of air, we agree; I was, you were happy."_

 

  
Steve's dressed in the red and white suit. And for a second, Bucky has to look up at the sky and silently ask Tony why he couldn't he just stick with one color. Steve is getting ready. He has the stones with him, and what do you know, Mjolnir is luggage, too. Bucky still feels a rush of pride wash over him. Bruce and Sam are the only ones with them; Bucky would often take a second glance to make sure it really is Bruce.

He stays back when Steve says his goodbyes to them. And as he hugs Sam, Sam looks at Bucky over Steve's shoulder, a concerned look on his face. Bucky only nods back, _It's alright_. And then he gets his turn.

Steve stands in front of him, and Bucky's hands are itching inside the hoodie of his pocket. He never takes his eyes off Steve, though, and that's somehow enough. He tries to memorize every detail of Steve's face, his hands, his body but realizes he already does.

"Don't do anything stupid until I get back." Steve says, and he has a little smile on his face.

It doesn't hurt to give him one back, "How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." He's proud his voice doesn't crack, but it weakens just a bit. He steps closer, and he dares to place his hands on Steve's face, thumbs tracing his cheekbones.

Steve holds onto one of his wrists, his flesh one, and just barely kisses his palm, "Five seconds."

Bucky gives off a wet laugh, "I don't know about you, punk. " And he pulls away, tucking his hands back inside his hoodie.

Steve is smiling, and there's just a bit of sadness in his eyes, "I'm gonna miss you."

And Bucky goes back in to give him a hug. It's quick, but it can last Steve a lifetime.

"You'll be alright." Bucky says, steps back. He watches Steve step onto the platform, the briefcase and Mjolnir in hand. Steve faces towards him, and they share a single, private smile.

Steve's gone in a blink, and Bucky closes his eyes, fists clenching under his hoodie. He hears Bruce count to five, the longest five seconds of Bucky' life, but he doesn't open his eyes even when it gets to ten. Sam and Bruce is panicking, somewhere along the lines of 'Then where is he?!'

And Bucky opens his eyes the moment he feels him. He doesn't even look at the time machine to verify. He turns towards the bench facing the lake, and a lone stranger sits on it.

Bucky feels his heart stop, "Sam." Sam doesn't hear him, "Sam."

Sam looks over, and he opens his mouth and stops when he sees. Bucky's planted to the spot, and he silently thanks Sam when he's the first one to approach Steve.

Bucky is one of the most selfish people, he knows that, and most of the times stays true to it, especially when it comes to Steve. But seeing him sitting there, senile and white-haired, but pretty fucking happy, Bucky thinks he's done good this time.

Bucky goes to him, when Sam calls him and shortly walks off to the leave them. Bucky stands by the edge of the bench, and Steve looks at him. His eyes are so bright. He's got wrinkles and drooping skin but he's still Steve. 

"Five seconds." Steve says in that rough and weak voice. He's dressed in a plaid shirt and one of those brown leather jackets he loves. Bucky never thought he'd see Steve again in such clothing but here we are. 

Bucky's voice cracks when he chuckles, and he takes a seat beside his best friend, "I'm glad you're back." He scoots closer until their thighs were brushing, and Steve doesn't hesitate to rest his head against Bucky's shoulder. 

"Thanks, pal." Steve smiles, "It's been a while."

And just like that, like a whole lifetime didn't pass in five seconds, Bucky feels whole again. 

**Author's Note:**

> why can't they just let them be gay for each other goddamnit. 
> 
>  
> 
> the song lyrics i used above is The End of the World by Rob Dickinson and Lord Huron's The Night We Met. and i really recommend reading this while listening to them because i wrote this listening to that. 
> 
> i cried.


End file.
